Friday, April 29, 2011

Where the Hell is Spring

I like cold weather. It is one of the reasons that I moved to the Pacific Northwest. I don't necessarily like being cold, but I far prefer it to being hot. It is far easier to add layers than it is to remove layers. Eventually, you run out of layers to remove and you end up sitting there naked, sweating to death in the sweltering heat.

As you may guess, Summer is my least favourite season.

All that being said though, I am SO ready for it to start warming up. We are in the midst of what I refer to as a Cold Spring. Here it is at the end of April and we have had exactly one day where it got anywhere near 60 degrees. Most days lately the high has only been 50 to 52. Brrrrr!!

Now granted, that doesn't sound too cold, but for some reason our apartment becomes an icebox when it falls below 50 degrees. I'm guessing that we lose a lot of heat around the windows and that the apartment probably doesn't have the best insulation in the world. They are definitely older apartments and while that is part of their charm, it does come with some negatives. Like those days where it is warmer outside than it is inside, and it isn't because of A/C.

I didn't blog yesterday. I spent most of the day over at my writing friend's house (who I need to come up with a name for since I don't really think I should use real names), writing and talking about life. It was really nice and gave me many ideas to roll around in my head. It is especially nice because she is someone who has been in my shoes in the past and who managed to come through it and be successful, or at least what I would consider successful. So she has a lot of insight about my situation, which I am often sorely lacking.

In other news, I think I have finally figured out how to make my blog entries appear on my Facebook. Exciting!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Day After

Isn't the title just ominous today? "The Day After"...You can almost hear the "duh duh DUH!!" playing in the background. Have no fear though, this is a good Day After post, not one where you wake up hung over next to some stranger whose name you can't remember.

Yesterday was my first class in the new writing course I'm taking. I had high expectations and I am happy to say I was not disappointed. The class was small. There were only 4 students, and at first I was worried about that. In retrospect though I think it actually made things easier. Fewer students means fewer egos and more time for actual writing. The teacher was very knowledgeable, at least in my opinion, and very engaging. We did several writing exercises there in class and talked a lot about the actual process of writing. I actually figured out some of the problems I've been having with my writing and came out of the class refreshed and ready to go. And this was just the first class! So I am quite glad I am taking the class and hope it continues to be worthwhile.

I rode over to the class with a friend who is also in the class with me and we talked some. She reads the blog and mentioned how depressing my blog has been lately. And she pointed out that the world isn't ending and that I am still young, with plenty of time to make a turn around and improve things. Which is entirely true. I've been wallowing lately. I feel like I've gotten myself into a pickle and I'm not sure how to get out of it. But just because I don't know how to get out of it right now doesn't mean that I won't figure out a way soon.

I have been lucky in my life that I have always been able to figure out a way to move forward. Sometimes that way isn't exactly what I want, and sometimes in hindsight I realize that it might not have been the best way. But I have always moved forward and I'm sure I will again.

Being in class made me realize just how much I missed that sort of thing. I really loved being in college and going to classes. I love learning new things. And taking a class on writing...well that was just icing on the cake. Because I was learning something I really wanted to learn, and that made the experience all the better.

I feel good after last night. I feel more positive and a little more hopeful. I can't guarantee I won't wallow some more though. Life is still tough right now and will be until I get some things figured out. But as I firmly believe, you can't expect positive things in your life if you are filled with negative thoughts. You have to think positive and believe positive if you want good things to happen.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Start of the Writing Class

Tonight is my first class of the writing course I'm taking. The subject is Science Fiction/Fantasy, which is right up my alley. Not only is it my favourite genre, but it is pretty much the only genre I read. Well, having said that, I suppose it depends on how you define the genre. To me Sci/fi-Fantasy is like a broad, catch all category and encompasses not only Sci/fi and Fantasy, but also Paranormal (Romance and otherwise), Steampunk, Cyberpunk, and anything in between.

However some people I've noticed like to push Paranormal stuff into the Horror section, which I disagree with. To me, something should only be in the horror section if it is scary, hence the name Horror. And being a reader of several different types of Paranormal Romance books, I can tell you without a doubt they are not scary. I've felt different emotions while reading Sookie Stackhouse and Anita Blake books, but never have I felt fear.

But before I journey too far down this tangent, I want to wander back to the original topic. I am very excited about the class. The teacher appears like she will be cool and interesting, from what little I've seen of her blog. I'm taking the class with a friend, who I consider to be much more knowledgeable about the whole writing process. And it is in a subject I just adore. So all in all, I have high expectations.

At the same time, I also feel like this is just a waste of time and money. As much as I enjoy literature, and as much as I would love to write a book and have it published, or even have anything published, I feel like that goal is just completely unrealistic. I am unemployed, as is my BF. I am thankfully getting unemployment, but it won't last forever. Instead of spending the time and money on this class, which more than likely will not result in any increase in income, shouldn't I just be focused on finding a job that will? As much as I think I would enjoy having my job be writing and to work in the literature field...doing so is no way to make money. It would be different if the BF was going to be working in a high paying job, but he is working on being a chef. So shouldn't I take my heads out of the clouds and just focus on something that pays the money?

I hate thinking about this stuff. The more I think, the more convinced I am that I have screwed my life up into this crumpled mess and I have no idea how to get it smoothed out. I fell into a major in college that ill-suited me, graduated and went into graduate school studying something that suited me even worse. And then I moved across country to work in this field, only to discover after several years that I hated it with the burning passion. So now I'm left with not enough money to go back to school, two degrees and years of work experience in something I don't want to ever do again, and an economy and job market that, to be frank, has still not recovered and I'm not sure ever will.

But I'm going to stop there. I have a class tonight that I am really looking forward to and I don't want to go down this spiral of self doubt and anxiety I seem to drift in these days. Maybe this will be a start to something really great. Maybe I will get it all figured out soon. I want to be positive, so dammit all, I will be positive.

So suck it world. Everything will be alright in the end.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Another Day in Paradise

My title today is meant to be ironic. Currently it is 48 degrees out, with the sky completely overcast and a gentle rain spitting down from the clouds. I love the rain and I love when it is overcast. The weather out here is actually one of the reasons I moved to the Pacific Northwest. However, even with my peculiarities, I would not call what it is doing outside paradise.

Last week was a pretty busy week by my new lax standards. On Thursday I went to a workshop at the local WorkSource office on discovering my personality color, with hopes that this might give me some insight on what kind of job I should be pursuing. I was unsurprised by the result I got. My primary color, as it is called, is green, meaning I am a highly analytical person who spends most of my time thinking about things, perhaps over thinking things, who prefers to work on projects by myself and who has a tendency to be critical of others. Definitely spot on. The three most important things I think I got out of the workshop though was the list of jobs a green person should look for and the natural talents a green person possesses. I also got validation that my previous job was a mistake on my part and I should definitely never go into that field again, because I would not be happy.

I hate hindsight.

Friday is gaming night. The BF and I went over to some friends' house to play a pen and paper game, in what is perhaps the only real socializing I get to do in a week. I will admit I look forward to Fridays more and more each week. Saturday we also went out with them and then went back to two friends' house to hang out and play Rock Band. Saturday was the happiest I think I've been since my actual layoff day. (I was thrilled to be laid off, however the stress that has followed that moment I have not enjoyed at all). These two people are just amazingly great people and it was very relaxing and calming to just be hanging out with them, talking and having a great time. That afternoon was the first event in a while that made me really want to fully commit to staying in Seattle.

Sunday was Easter, which is a big holiday for the BF's mother, so we were over visiting with her and her husband all day. It was very nice and relaxing, filled with a lot of good food and a couple of good movies. After that we went to my friend Tara's for Game of Thrones, which is turning out to be a stellar TV show.

And that was my busy weekend. This coming week also promises to have events galore. I start my writing class tomorrow (more to follow) which I am beyond excited about. Friday Michael *may* be leaving to visit family in California. And Saturday and Sunday we have two different social engagements that I may end up going to alone.

Pretend I signed off with something witty. I don't really have anything right now.

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Sickness Has Lifted

I was sick most of last week. It truly sucked. I can't say it was the worst cold I've ever had, but it was bad enough I was fuzzy headed and had trouble focusing on much of anything. In addition, since I am unemployed, I ended up spending most of my week sitting on my butt watching TV and feeling miserable. Needless to say, by the end of the week I was very unhappy.

Thankfully today I am feeling mostly better. I still feel a little congested, but my energy is back and I feel like doing things again. Not that I have much to do. Being unemployed means a lot of free time.

Last night we watched the new HBO show Game of Thrones with a couple of friends. It was really good. I loved the sets and the acting was top notch. I think having read at least the first book helped me keep up with what was happening, so I wasn't lost like some people complain about being.

I'm trying to focus on the positive a bit more this week. Last week with the sickness and all I got really dark and felt pretty depressed, so this week I'm trying to get back to a happy place. So far so good! We'll see how the week goes.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The First Step

The first step is always the hardest. Is this really the direction you want to go? Is this path the right one for you? Is this journey even necessary? I mean, maybe I could just stay at home and not have to get out in the weather and deal with all the hassle that comes with travelling. Maybe I can just skip this one and go back to the warm blankets.

Of course, the metaphor I'm going with in this blog is that life is like a path you are travelling down. And in that metaphor the first step would actually be birth, and since you can't just opt out of birth, you can't really opt out of taking the first step down your path. So regardless of how anxious you are about starting, or how much you may want to stay your warm blankets, you don't get a choice. The moment you come into the world, you are started on your path. Your first step is taken and you are on your way.

But where are you going? Where is your path leading? Ah, but there is the rub isn't it? As anxiety inducing as the first step could be, trying to figure out what your path is and where it is going...that is the tricky part. That is the part that so many struggle with and the part that will keep you up at night, fretting and pacing, trying to figure it out.

I freely admit I have no clue what my path is. I have no clue where I am going, what is in front of me, where I should step or what I should do. I am lost, stumbling down my undiscovered path, trying to figure out which direction I should go. And you all get to come along for the ride. Aren't you lucky?

This blog will be about me trying to figure out my path. I need perspective. I need to discover my path and to figure out where I am going. And maybe by keeping a blog and writing about my life, I will figure it out. I don't promise to always make sense or to always be witty or funny. I will try not to get too emo. My only promise is to write, to try to write at least once a week.

So there you go. Hopefully I will get things figured out. I mean, that is what we are all looking for right? We are all looking for some sign pointing out the way. We all want to get things figured out. Maybe someday we will.